Damn, those old ladies farted in my aisle! I was still looking at hot sauces, but the smell was strong enough to make me give up and leave. And just as I was leaving, a teenage kid walks by and sniffs, and turns and gives me the look.

"No, wait, it wasn't me, it was old women!"

But I didn't think they'd believe me, so the rebuttal went unyelled. I gave the hot sauces a cursory glance as I left the aisle, cursing my unluckiness to be standing in an old woman fart zone and get branded with the misdeed.

I was almost free of the aisle when the kid returned with a friend. They looked at me and laugh. Man, I was pissed.

Gloria came back and I pulled her to the side, eager to set the record straight. "Hey, listen. These two old women walked by and farted and this kid walked by after they were gone and thought it was me and then he told his friend and they both walked by again and blamed me for a fart that wasn't even my fault." She could still smell it, so we left the zone.

We continued shopping and turned into an aisle. There they were: the old fart ladies. I gestured in an incredibly obvious way that those were the women who passed off their fart guilt on me. Gloria nodded, understanding. We passed. I didn't say anything. I had a few comments in my brain, but nothing I thought might make the situation better. It wasn't exactly their fault ...

We finished shopping and entered a checkout line. There they were: the guys who blamed me for the fart. I gestured in a very subtle way that those were the guys who blamed me for the fart. Gloria nodded, understanding. They left. I didn't say anything. I had a few comments in my brain, but nothing I thought might make the situation better. I couldn't exactly blame them.

We put our items in our car and waited for our companions, who were a few minutes behind us. Unwilling to drop the subject, I continued to bemoan my fate: not only did I have to deal with an unpleasant fart odor in a public place, but I was blamed for it, though truly blameless.

Our companions came out and we drove off. As we left the parking lot, one (who shall remain nameless) started telling this funny story about how he was in the aisle next to the hot sauces and let this raunchy fart, and the other people in the aisle blamed his girlfriend instead of him.

What?! It was him all along! I'd incorrectly blamed two old women, two teenagers had incorrectly blamed me, two other customers had incorrectly blamed his girlfriend, and he just thought it was so frigging funny he had to tell us all about it.

But as to the cause of the US automakers' tremendous disadvantage, his assertion was completely ridiculous. It contained a logical leap that is so obvious, I'm forced to believe the guy either can't dress himself or (shock) deliberately asserted - for political advantage - a position he knew to be laughably incorrect. It's important to note, at this point, that he's told this same story before.

The reason, according to John Sununu, that US automakers' fuel efficiency technologies have lagged behind foreign technologies is because the government paid them incentives to research diesel engines, which the free market never adopted. His argument (or rather, his "story," which he must have been praying nobody else onstage needled him about) was that the incentives forced the auto companies to develop an inviable technology at the cost of technology that would have ultimately proved more lucrative.

Let me be clear that I too believe that the government should not have offered that incentive in the first place. Smart business shouldn't have to be tax-subsidized ... and dumb business sure as hell shouldn't either. But Sununu's reasoning is tremendously flawed.

In case you haven't seen through it by now, here's the claim: US automakers chose to develop inferior technology they knew to be unmarketable to chase a comparatively small government incentive, instead of developing the better technology that they knew would have made them more money in the long run. Here's reality: if the businesses had known they'd make more money in the long run by going with hybrid-style technology, they would've done it, and the incentive be damned. Or, they'd do both, and research diesel just enough of to screw the taxpayers out of some money to develop a technology no one wants.

Honestly, Sununu must see that, right? Doesn't everyone? I fear that not everyone does, and that's why I mention this. I don't mean to single out John Sununu as being uniquely underhanded and deceptive with his big-government cautionary tales. This kind of story is told all the time and no one ever questions the underlying assertions. Instead, they feel really bad for the little guy's business (I should point out he gave this example the same day GM laid off something like 200 billion workers) because the big government gave them some free money in exchange for being short-sighted and lazy. "Damn government! They screw everything up!"

It's also inconvenient for Sununu if you point out that all the program he's talking about (PNGV) only said that we should produce a concept automobile that got 80mpg ... not that we should use diesel in particular. The Big Three automakers actually got to use whatever technology they wanted.

If only Sununu had just said something like, "government should stay the hell out of it!" At least on that point, we'd agree.

"Boyes got good wood on it."
"He bangs Murray in the corner."
"Mike Sullivan will ride the hot hand."

That last quote refers to the coach's selection of a goalie who's been playing well. Believe it or not, I've heard that expression no fewer than four times.

Another exchange I particularly enjoyed:

Announcer 1: Of course, the last time the Bruins came to Calgary, it was a largely forgettable game; what most people will remember is the drunk streaker who climed over the glass, fell to the ice and was knocked out ... (announcers laugh ...)

Announcer 1: ... and he uh ... just had to lie there on the ice ... heheh ... while the medical staff attended to him ... (more laugher, neither can speak for several seconds ...)

Announcer 2: Well, I don't know if that guy was a college student or not, but next Thursday is Student Night at the TD Banknorth Garden, and ...

Announcer 1: ... Oh my GOD, what a SEGUE!! Wow!! "I don't know if he was a student or not!" How do you come up with a segue like that?! (both laugh uncontrollably until the control room gives up and breaks for commercial)